


Grasp and Grip

by floof



Series: Sastiel Love Week 2020 Fics [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23511232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floof/pseuds/floof
Summary: A look in on Sam and Castiel through the years, as they slowly develop feelings for each other, and try to understand those feelings.For the prompt: The moment they knew, Sastiel Love Week 2020
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester
Series: Sastiel Love Week 2020 Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1691722
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26
Collections: Sastiel Love Week 2020





	Grasp and Grip

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here we go. Thanks Star for the beta, and thanks everyone in the sastiel fandom for being welcoming!

It might sound cliché, But Sam's sure he fell at least a little in love with Castiel the first time he met him. Maybe not a deep, romantic love, but sheer awe had filled him when Dean told him who the strange, trench coat clad man was.

How could he have not? Sam has been praying his entire life, and here's proof something greater than himself exists. Even more than that, here's proof that had succeeded where Sam had failed in saving Dean.

Yes, it hurts, to only be known as known as the boy with the demon blood. He'd thought he was used to disappointment, but apparently not.

Still. Sam can't help but believe in Castiel, and buries those hurt feelings like a champion. He is a Winchester, after all.

That starstruck feeling fades as the year goes on, though Sam still saves Cas from Alastair. His heart hardening at the look of disgust Castiel shoots him for using his powers. Like Sam doesn't know they're bad.

Doesn't know that he's bad, to. Well he's tired of fighting it, and he's going to try his damnedest to do good with the crummy hand he's been dealt.

Lying to himself becomes surprisingly easy that year. Adding a lie of not caring what Castiel thought of him to the list was even easier.

And then.

Lilith. Lucifer. The Apocalypse.

Maybe Cas is more Dean's friend than his, but Sam finds himself growing fond of the freaking dork. He takes things too literally, but understands far more than he lets on.

The fact that Castiel, that all angels have to possess someone to be on earth isn't easy to get past. Though he wonders if Jimmy is even still in there, after...

So yes. Sam is a coward, and doesn't ask. He might not be awed by Castiel anymore, and he knows most angels are dicks with wings, but Cas has quickly become a friend.

Sure, Cas is annoyed with Sam more often than not, but Castiel still looks at him with such relief when he sees that Anna hadn't managed to kill him. Not just Dean, but Sam to. 

Then came Heaven. Dying. Joshua.

Sam knows firsthand how it feels to be disappointed by a father you believed could do anything. Maybe John hadn't turned his back on Sam to the degree God has Cas, but...

Well, part of Sam takes comfort in their combined lost faith. 

Castiel never really looses his biting sarcasm and wit towards the end, but after Dean almost said yes, the two of them bond in a way Sam will hold close in the coming years.

Even when Lucifer kills Cas with Sam's hands.

All thoughts of romance go out the window at that. You don't – you don't really come back from almost killing someone. Not even in their line of work. Besides, Cas couldn't be – never will be interested in Sam.

It's better to forget his stupid little crush.

~

Castiel doesn't realize he's in love with Sam for far longer. At first the boy is something to be pitied, to be studied privately in his thoughts. Damned since birth, but always striving to save people. Never lacking in faith, and yet he is the vessel of Lucifer.

It puzzles Castiel. He doesn't know what to think of Sam, so think of Sam he does often. 

At least he until he's reset. The first time in recent memory.

Anger and annoyance are all he has for Sam after that. He won't apologize for it either - Castiel is trying to save the world from the mess Sam created.

Except... that's not fair, and Castiel knows it. It was he who let Sam out of the panic room, after all. It was his best friend and Sam's own blood who broke the first seal. Because he brought Sam back when Sam had never asked to be.

Castiel is humbled that God brought him back, but part of him wonders if he deserves it. He supposes, to, that Sam must have felt much the same after Dean made that deal.

So Castiel tries to be kind. He's not very good at it, but he does try. Sam is loyal, and kind without trying, unlike himself. Above all that;

Sam Winchester is his friend. Maybe not his best friend, but a friend none the less. Castiel has seldom little of those anymore, so he'll hold Sam close in his thoughts. 

He doesn't have a heart like the humans do, but he imagines it's something like that.

It becomes clearer to Castiel that he put his faith in the wrong Winchester after Blue Earth, and Michael, and he doesn't care if it's suicide when he presses a bloody hand to his chest.

Somehow it isn't. Castiel buries his disappointment, tired as he is, he has a job to do. No one ordered him to do it, but Castiel is going to save the world. 

Someone has to.

But it's Sam who has the solution. The humans think it sounds mad, but Sam has shown Castiel he has the will required to overthrow Lucifer. If anyone can, it's Sam.

Castiel might not have faith in God anymore, but he has faith in Sam. He tells him as such, at least he tries to. Often when he talks to humans he has no idea if they heard what he was trying to say.

It strikes Castiel as somewhat unfair. He pushes the thought down to be examined later, with all his regrets and losses. 

Sam is his friend and he will miss him, but the world versus one life? One soul versus billions?

Nothing is worth that. No one, no matter how much Castiel needs them, is worth that.

So why is it, when Castiel is brought back the second time, filled with power beyond his station, he's filled with loss?

They won.

Sam did it.

It took his own death. Bobby's as well. Dean's beaten black and blue. Sam won over the devil in the end.

Castiel wants to be happy. But he's not.

Instead, he's filled with purpose. It isn't love, not yet, but it starts to grow inside him none the less.

Sam Winchester must be saved. Castiel's friend deserves no less.

~

As confused as Sam is when he comes back to life, and as happy as he is when Dean tells him Cas is alive, he ignores the faint flame of hope when Castiel responds to his prayer. He's not being told something, he's not being told a lot, Sam knows this.

Maybe he can't remember hell, but it's raw enough he doesn't want a hug. Sam doesn't deserve one, either. How Castiel can even stand to look at him he doesn't know.

Things are awkward after that. The hard won comradery they once had is gone.

Sam doesn't have time to mourn it. He can't even be mad when Castiel puts his hand on him and breaks his wall wide open.

Briefly, when Sam's driving an angel blade through Castiel's back, those feelings return. He doesn't want to do this, he didn't want to do this – and he has a brief moment of relief that it doesn't work before things get even worse.

Through it all, Sam remembers the way he Castiel shook his hands when they first met. Condemned words and tender, gentle – loving touch.

Castiel is making the same mistake Sam did; that he can be good even if the means are horrible beyond belief. Somehow that hurts worse than the choas in his mind.

So Sam prays. It's not much of a prayer, but it's filled with all he believes. And Castiel answers. 

After everything, Castiel wants to set things right. Sam can't fault him for that – maybe it took him some time, but he came through in the end.

Then Cas is dead and there's not even time to mourn what could have been. 

Sam would really, _really_ prefer it if Lucifer would stick to rape jokes over this latest line of taunting.

“Awww, poor poor Sam – he brought you back but he still didn't love you enough to do it right!” Lucifer laughs, shaking his head. 

He's not there. He's not real. Sam's safe, Sam's back, Cas brought his body back, then Dean brought back the rest of him.

Patchwork and piecemeal but it's still him.

“Sammy boy ~ Don't ignore me.” 

The Devil has a terrible singing voice, if you ask Sam. 

Lucifer leans forward into Sam's face, grinning wide. He's close enough Sam can smell his blood tinged breath. Can remember his bones, his soul snapping between those teeth.

Not real not real not real!

“Aw Sam, I can't believe you actually thought there was a chance Cassie boy could love you back! As if anyone would ever want you, after everything you've done, but-” Lucifer shrugs wide, giving an exaggerated sigh. “I guess maybe you two would be the perfect pair of fuck ups. After this, it'll be hard to tell who Heaven hates more – Castiel or me.”

“Don't talk about him like that!” Sam snaps, lunging forward to grab Lucifer's collar and shake him.

“Uh... Dude.” Dean's voice cuts through the haze, and Lucifer is gone for the moment.

Sam claws at the scar on his hand to keep it that way. Hard enough he draws blood, and Dean has to gentle him back to sanity once more.

The Devil comes back soon enough, but that's the last time Lucifer taunts him about Cas. At least until Castiel returns from the dead yet again. Then Lucifer won't fucking shut up, gleeful that he's going to wound Sam one final time before the end.

Sam's going to die. For good this time. Maybe he'll finally be at peace, but he doubts it.

“Oh Sam...” Castiel says, hand on Sam's brow. He says more after that, but Sam's too deep in his own personal hell to hear it.

Later, when his heads blissfully clear, Sam tries tries to tell Castiel how grateful he is, how they'll fix him. Castiel doesn't understand at all.

Some how that's almost worse. At least Sam knew he was crazy. 

Another kind of love grows, and Sam realizes it's never going to go away. He's tried to turn his feelings for Cas into brotherhood along the way, and in some respects it's worked. But now he finds himself treating the mad angel with tenderness.

Maybe, once this is all over, they can finally be friends for real. Sam will take it. It's not what he wants, never want he wants, but what else is new?

Except then it actually is all over. And Cas? He's gone. Dean to, for the second time, and Sam has no idea what afterlife they're in.

If Heaven or Hell will even take Dean. What happens to Angels when they're no more.

All their plans lead to sacrifice, and now Sam's lost everyone and everything.

So much for love. All it leads to is heartbreak. From now on, Sam will settle for survival. It's easier than his heart breaking all the time.

~

Castiel doesn't have a heart to break. He's light, celestial intent, in his true form. He has no soul to crush, and yet he feels things deeper than any of his own kind. 

His brothers, his sisters; siblings whom he loves more than he can say, for all they won't listen to him.

No one ever listens to him.

Yet, when Sam asks if he was brought back soulless on purpose? Castiel feels something in him twist and shatter, break into an infinite number of infinitesimal pieces. 

How, how could Sam think that? When the minute Sam was gone, punished for doing the right thing, for his bravery, for his love... Castiel had felt something well deep inside him and demand that he right it.

Perhaps it was hubris. Still, Castiel wants to repay Sam for everything, and words won't suffice.

Maybe that's why it's so easy to break his wall. He's doing this to protect them, and surely Sam will understand that.

Leviathans whisper in his ear, curl around him as he rights the wrongs of other humans. Of the entire world.

He goes too far. Sam pulls him back, and then – Emmanuel. 'God is with us'. Even when Castiel tries to do penance he messes up. He knows that, once Dean brings him face to face with what he's done.

Sam is so broken, and it's all his fault. 

He will make this right.

Not much gets through the haze of insanity, though sometimes Sam's words are sweet. Sometimes annoying. It's nice to hear him speak either way. He never thinks he'll miss it, until he does.

Purgatory is the least Castiel deserves. He hopes Sam's okay, when he isn't trying to convince Dean he's better off with Benny than himself.

Reset. Again. 

How many times now? What was Castiel like, the first time? Is he even an angel, or is he a collection of broken pieces masquerading as one? Jagged grace and overpowering emotion, duty the only thing that makes sense.

There's no time for thinking about Sam, for studying these emotions he has for him, time and again, during the torture. Nor after.

He wants to set things right but he fucks up again, maybe even worse than last time. When Castiel wished for his brothers and sisters to understand, he hadn't wanted it to happen like this.

Falling, all of them. He'd at least chosen to do so. 

He'd thought he'd understood humans. He'd spent a year walking among them with dwindling grace til it was near gone. But now that he has none left, none at all, he finds himself observing past memories.

Things are clearer now. He thinks he's knows the words to describe how he feels about Sam. 

Castiel can only hope it's not too late for Sam to return them.

~

It's not until Dean's put an angel in his head. Not until Sam's hands kill another loved one. Another member of his broken little family gone forever. That Sam can even begin to process Castiel.

The angel won't leave, won't let him kill himself; although death is all Sam deserves.

The past few years he's tried to ignore his long and complicated feelings for the angel. After half a decade, that torch is long burn out.

Until...

“Nothing is worth losing you.” 

And Sam finds himself pondering what that even means. But he knows now, that he does love Castiel, deeper and better than that starstruck crush he developed back in the day.

For now he settles on leaning into Castiel's arms, and sighing soft. He'll take this. Maybe it'll never be deeper, but he'll take this.

“Sam... when I say nothing is worth loosing you, I-”

“No, my turn to talk. I...” There aren't any words. So Sam leans forward, looking Castiel in the eyes. He's sure his intent is clear.

If Castiel doesn't want this, then oh well. Sam's lived with loving the angel for years now. It doesn't hurt as much anymore to not be loved back, because Castiel loves him, even if he's not in love with him.

Castiel surprises him by leaning up and pressing their lips together instead of pulling away. 

It isn't perfect, but neither is Sam. So it's more than enough. The two of them are broken, have fucked up in spectacular ways others could only dream of.

He doesn't have to teach Castiel how to hug, but he will have to teach him how to kiss. Meg might've been fond of the 'pizza man' style of forceful porn kissing, and Sam will admit that has it's place.

But now, for times like this, there's slow and gentle. Maybe they won't be able to be together all the time, and Sam knows Castiel will be called away to fix the world just like he will.

Just the same, Sam is going to cherish this while it lasts. Cherish Cas, and be cherished in return. It's broken, raw at the edges. Like himself, and like Cas.

It's love.

**Author's Note:**

> This feels a bit meta-y as opposed to fic-y but hey, it's writing, yay?
> 
> if the title throws you don't worry: it does me to!


End file.
